Off Means Off

TURN YOUR PHONE OFF, RUDE! That's what I wanted to say to the lady sitting 2 rows in front of me at the local theater last night. I like Community Theater, and I can generally perform the much needed "willing suspension of disbelief" that it takes to engage in passive viewing of mediocre performances; however, when the stupid idiot in the ugly pants takes out her phone and begins to text during the first act, I get a bit aggravated. I was slightly annoyed. I was sending her the following thought “ It's dark in here lady that light is like a beacon signaling everyone beside and behind you to look at you instead of the art being created 2 feet in front of you”.

I think she was writing a novel. If I had a blow dart.... It gets worse, she does this throughout the first act, and near the end her phone rings. IT RINGS, people. So yeah she had it on vibrate, but you can still here that. I mean in a small theater that seats 150 you can hear a mouse fart. I was murderously annoyed at this point. She must have been adding a second volume to her already drawn out textography. It gets worse, a few minutes later (mind you there is a 10 minute intermission coming up soon) in the middle of act II she gets up and scooches her way past all the people in order to go out. She was in the second row, how annoying. I hate her, her phone and her stupid pants.

Okay, so that I sound like a total wet blanket let me expound on the rest of the night. The play, The Long Weekend, while it was predictable was also entertaining. I laughed out loud many times. Despite my earlier ranting, I very much enjoyed it, until the hyena next to me started cackling. Remember how I was talking about mouse farts and theater acoustics? Well this lady obviously thought she was at the bottom of the Grand Canyon and needed to really project her laughter when something was funny. At one point, it was so loud that the people around her, employing their indoor laughs, actually stopped and looked at her. I know because I did too, and her husband had that mortified woman-shut-the-hell-up-it-wasn't-THAT-funny look on his face.

What happened to Emily Post and her social etiquette followers? Obviously there are people who need an appropriate public behavior seminar. I'll be the guest speaker, and I'll bring a cattle prod. Despite the fact that people can't use their indoor laughs or follow the rules in a public theater, they can give a standing ovation. This is yet another thing that annoys me. It's like the equivalent to everybody wins. NO THEY DON"T, some people don't win. There has to be a loser or else it's not a competition. Equally true, not all plays are standing O worthy. I was just waiting for the Hyena to blurt “BRAVO, BRAVO!” while in the spotlight of Ms. Ugly Pants’ text screen.